Tank (tank_bass) wrote,

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Odd realizations

Firstly, I find it quite ironic that this, what used to be a place for my public thoughts, is probably safer than a fucking diary with a lock on it nowadays. Hilarious to say the least.

On a bored whim yesterday I started reading through friends' LJs on here, people from long ago that I haven't talked to in years, people who are still somewhat in my life, etc. It's so odd to look back on all these young, impassioned rants and outpourings. It's odd because their is this very real and visual archive of our lives that you can go back to. I don't know, it's strange to me.

It's strange to me I guess because I have kids now, and if I'm not terribly careful, when they're older (unless LJ burns off into the ether) they will have a near-perfect snapshot of my youth. It's a story, a narrative, and it'll be written in a young man's voice as opposed to some old dude.

It's weird to think of all the relationships I've had with people over the last 10 years that I've had this journal, and how little pieces of them are stuck in here, in a vacuum, for all of time. Meaghan will always be the girl that introduced me to Oingo Boing, Mike will be the ever-present racist commenter, Jay still lives here, and he's been gone close to 4 years. I still have Jay in a jar on here, at the height of him being Jay. It's all there, good and bad.

I'm 26 now, baring down on 27 at a rate that I'm not comfortable with. I thought life was huge and scary when I was 16 and that it was all going to fast then, but I was wrong. At about 18 warp speed engaged. Actually, more like 22, when I met Brooke. Being happy seems to make time go by much, much faster.

I'm also at a very weird place in my life between shedding a little more of that emotional baby fat and being a "grown up" and I'm afraid to let go. I'm afraid of losing my youth, and my point of view. I probably won't, but it's a very real fear.

I fear death also. Not like in a constant nagging way, but every once in a great while, usually about twice a year it seems, I'll hear a comedian joke about death or a news report about people dying in war and it's like the words I hear take on the most serious of meaning, and it hits the very center of my brain and my whole body gets cold and weird. It triggers an immediate flight-or-flight response, and my brain defaults to fight. I'm not ready yet. It's something that people don't actively think about (because to do so would drive one insane) so I think that these episodes are merely a test. It's like my mind and my body communicating to make sure they're on the same page. "It's not time, not even close. Carry on."

Back to my fear of lost youth, my primary fear is that it will make me a shitty parent. Pretty much since Kynlee turned 4, I've been much harder on her because I think she's smart and mature enough to take it. I feel like I run the risk of not letting her be a kid. It's a hard thing to work on, too, because I can't find that fine line between dictator and instructor.

I may start updating this again. This was good. I need to get my head uncluttered.

I was diagnosed with ADHD last year and was on Adderol for the past year. For reasons unknown, when trying to call in a refill two months ago, the doctor has yet to return my calls. I decided to get off of the medicine because I felt like I could function without it, and lo and behold, I can, albeit with a lot more effort than before. As a result, however, the "static" in my head is back. It has been there all of my life until I went on Adderol, then it went away and my head was clear for the first time ever. My self-esteem went up, my productivity went up, but my blood pressure did too. So, in the interest of my health, I decided not to go back on it. Like I said, it's a lot more work, but it's almost fulfilling.

Only other shitty side effect is that I'm gaining weight again, but that's for another time.

Until later, journal. Until later.
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