It made me feel like home in a way I haven't felt in a long time. I felt that spark of human connection that I've been missing for so long. It's nobody's fault but my own for missing that, but I forgot how good it felt to just be comfortable around others without trying, without having to put on some mask, be it my "musician" mask or my "business" mask.
I also had a revelation in talking with my friend Jennifer. She was doting on me about being a family man now with three kids and whatnot. She was being very sweet, because at the end of the day, for as much shit as I may give her, she's a sweet person. I immediately felt awkward though and threw up my defenses. Thankfully, in a social setting, my defenses tend toward self-deprecating humor, so the deflection didn't exactly hit anyone else in any damning way.
That realization though has really had me thinking about a lot of issues I have with myself to this day. These are issues that I guess I'm now mature enough to address and I think that's the direction I'm taking.
I realized that I've lived my entire life trying to fit into some label that I wanted for myself, because I have been running from being who I really am. I know I've blogged about that in (if you can call it) recent history in so many words, but I've been viewing it as a recent change because I was naive to the fact that I've been doing it all along.
Now I'm becoming somewhat of a "person," whatever the hell that means. I still have to define that for myself. But I don't have to be a musician, or an actor, or a writer, and I certainly don't have to call myself that, especially since I'm not actively doing any of that.
I've always assigned the label in the hopes that it would one day come true, without defining for myself what "coming true" would mean for me, and therefore I've been chasing these impossible ideals because I haven't actually been sure what I want for myself out of the deal. Granted, as a result of not having a clue, I've done some pretty cool shit. I've lived a really fun life. And I'll continue to. My journey isn't over, and now I have companions. And I'll get to see them dream and support that and do anything I can to let them figure that out for themselves and grow. I'm very excited about that prospect.
As for me, I think I'm just going to settle on being okay with things. Take things one day at a time and not stress myself out for not living up to these unknown ideals I set for myself in my youth. That shit will kill you.