The lesson here? There's never a final "I've figured it out" solution, like ever. Life is too dynamic for that kind of finality.
It must not have been actually figured out anyways because I never followed through with the plans. I always went back on my promises to myself, and I was held accountable by nobody, including myself. I am (and was) not disciplined enough to even adhere to my own solutions to my own problems.
I think this must be rooted in my lack of being parented early on. It makes sense, and it explains why I seek out external things for internal validation. I need someone/something that's not me telling me I'm right or wrong because I didn't have that going on as a child, and since that wasn't instilled in me, I can't even trust myself to make a decision in most cases.
I can't even trust the accuracy of me figuring this out because how do I know it's not more self-defensive bullshit on my part. I'm in a constant state of self-doubt.
The bright side of that is the pleasent feeling I get when I am told that I was right about something. That's fleeting, though, and I have to ride that tide to the next external emotion buzz I get, if I can even get there.
Ugh. It's hard not to sink further into a depression thinking about all this shit. There has to be a logical, non-chemical solution to my mental and emotional woes. I totally get why the world is so medicated though.